It's Time for College Football
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2 months ago

College Football’s Revolving Door

Here’s a look at some of the biggest head coaching changes this off-season.

Following the conclusion of every college football season, head coaches are fired and hired faster than Hillary Clinton disappeared in the woods. And the 2016-17-college football season is no different with teams like Baylor, Oregon, Purdue, and Texas all making dramatic changes to their coaching staffs.

One of the most significant shakeups occurred earlier this year when LSU parted ways with head coach and possible G.I. Joe, Les Miles. The star coach has been linked to taking over the vacant position at the University of South Florida, while former defensive line coach Ed Orgeron has filled Miles’ position.

Other major changes include Temple coach Matt Rhule leaving to take over the reins at Baylor University following Art Briles’ dishonorable exit. Rising star and former Houston coach Tom Herman, was hired after Texas ousted Charlie Strong. The moves make it pretty ironic that one of Texas’ slogans is “don’t mess with Texas,” because after all these elaborate coaching changes Texas seems to have no problem messing with itself.

With the firing of Mark Helfrich, Oregon has now changed coaches as much as jerseys. Let’s just hope their new head coach isn’t anything like their signature threads, a duck covered in highlighter. 

Purdue let go of Darrell Hazell and hired Jeff Brohm and Indiana stayed true to their commitment to only hire guys with the whitest sounding names by going from Kevin Wilson to Tom Allen. Wow! Two coaches, four white guy first names! Look for Indiana to play most of their games at Cracker Barrel.

The biggest question mark that remains this offseason is what’s going to happen with Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly. Following their season-ending epic beat down against Southern Cal, there was speculation and reports that Kelly was pursuing other coaching options through his agents. But the head coach then Tweeted (which we all know now because of Trump, is the only way to conduct official business), that he is in fact committed to Notre Dame.

But adding more tarnish to the mystique of the Golden Dome, a group of students and alumni recently took out a full-page ad in the Observer calling for Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick’s resignation over his continued support for Kelly. Either way, it looks like the only way Notre Dame fans are going to be experience any sustained glory in the near future, is to just watch Rudy on repeat and try not to remember that Notre Dame is located in Indiana. 

3 months ago

Most Ridiculous Bowl Games!

Here's a guide to the top five most insanely named games. Read on!

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl

Dec. 17, 5:30 p.m., ESPN 

Appalachian State vs. Toledo

It’s genuinely hard to tell if this is a football game or a high school dance where the girls get to ask the guys. One of the missions of the bowl game is to showcase southern hospitality, so look for players to quit half way through because they overdosed on sweet tea, politeness and thinly veiled racism.

Popeye’s Bahamas Bowl

Dec. 23, 1 p.m., ESPN

Eastern Michigan vs. Old Dominion

There’s something pretty unsettling about naming your bowl game by combining a fast food chain and a stunning tropical vacation destination. Who would want to watch a football game called the “White Castle Crave Case Turks & Caicos Bowl?” And the Popeye’s Bahamas Bowl sounds way too close to that.

Dollar General Bowl

Dec. 23, 8 p.m., ESPN

Ohio vs. Troy

If the name is an indication, expect this game to be convenient, of low quality and sell very old candy. Keeping with the theme, instead of a trophy, the winning team should be rewarded with batteries, broken picture frames and cardboard party hats.

Motel 6 Cactus Bowl

Dec. 27, 10:15 p.m., ESPN

Boise State vs. Baylor

In case you were considering ever sleeping over at a bowl game, the Motel 6 Cactus Bowl thoroughly reminds people to not. Let’s just hope that the game is nothing like a stay at a Motel 6, otherwise expect everyone’s uniforms to be dirty, the water pressure to be low and halftime to be an impromptu meth deal gone terribly awry.

AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl

Dec. 28, 9 p.m., ESPN

Texas A&M vs. Kansas State

If you’re like me, you assumed AdvoCare V100, stood for some type of epic monster truck challenge that involved a hallowed out school bus, explosions and a clown named “Bad Larry.” And in all honestly it really should be that because the bowl game is taking place in Texas. But it turns the exact opposite is true, as the name and sponsor Advocare V100 actually stands for Tropical Vitamin Chews. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS…PINEAPPLE VITAMINS!!!

TaxSlayer Bowl

Dec. 31, 11 a.m., ESPN

Georgia Tech vs. Kentucky

If there’s one thing that people want to think about when they’re watching football it’s definitely taxes. Who just scored that incredible touchdown run? Who cares! It’s getting close to April 18 and you just realized that all of your write-offs aren’t legal including watching this game. Now you have to do your own touchdown run from the government. 

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BF07
Comedian, actor, writer. Has written for the Onion, McSweeney's, Comedy Central, Huffington Post, Rolling Stone. Always knows where Dave Matthews is.