2 months ago

NBA Early Season Awards

There’s a reason the NBA is challenging the NFL for ratings supremacy, and that’s because if we’re being honest, the league hasn’t been this fun since “Space Jam.” The NBA is harkening back to the glory days of the Jordan era by showcasing electrifying teams like the Warriors and Spurs, bombastic superstars like Russell Westbrook and Damian Lillard and emerging new rivalries like the Clippers vs. the Warriors, the 76ers vs. your 8th grade intramural team (you’re winning) and Joakim Noah vs. a haircut.

Here’s a look at my picks for early season award winners in an already incredible NBA year. 

BEST POLITICAL RANT THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT’S FROM AN AARON SORKIN SHOW

Yep you guessed it, Metta World Peace! Just kidding. In the days that followed Trump’s victory, several political commenters spoke eloquently about the demise of America, but none as well as Spurs head coach and the dad who doesn’t want you to date his daughter, Gregg Popovich. The Spurs coach is legendary for his biting and sarcastic remarks toward the media, but nothing touches his epic speech following the orange Joker’s presidential nomination. Here’s a few of the scathingly perfect hits,

“It’s still early and I’m still sick to my stomach. Not basically because the Republicans won or anything, but the disgusting tenor and tone and all the comments that have been xenophobic, homophobic, racist, misogynistic, and I live in that country where half the country ignored all that to elect someone. That’s the scariest part of the whole thing to me.”

And my personal favorite:

“The race-baiting with trying to make Barack Obama, our first black president, illegitimate. It leaves me wondering where I’ve been living and with whom I’m living.”

The mic has been dropped. 

WORST USE OF THE WORD POSSE

Sorry Phil Jackson, you’re a great coach but referring to LeBron James’ friends as a “posse” was not the best move, especially since this isn’t the 1800’s and your name is Phil.

SECOND WORST USE OF THE WORD POSSE

Insane Clown Posse. 

NOT OF THIS WORLD

Russell Westbrook became the first player since Michael Jordan to record seven straight triple doubles and if that doesn’t impress you, consider that he’s doing it all playing for a team in Oklahoma, a city where most people think a triple double is three hamburgers stacked inside two doughnuts.

NOT OF THIS WORLD HALF

Klay Thompson, Warriors star and one half of boy band, Splash Brothers, had one of the nastiest halves in NBA history by scoring 40 points in 24 minutes against the Indiana Pacers in early December. Thompson went on to score 60 and proved that he can single-handedly beat most of the teams in the Eastern Conference. 

THE MOST UNNATURAL ACTS AWARD

Goes to none other than the reason that the rule was invoked in the first place, the Warriors Draymond Green. The NBA instituted the “unnatural acts” rule after Green was cited for several (to put it nicely) boot to the gents. Since getting the statue on the books, Green has gotten a few technical fouls including “accidentally” kicking a Phoenix Suns player in the butt. You know, basketball stuff.

You've read the story
Story cover
written by
Writer avatar
BF07
Comedian, actor, writer. Has written for the Onion, McSweeney's, Comedy Central, Huffington Post, Rolling Stone. Always knows where Dave Matthews is.