Brendan Fitzgibbons
BF075 months ago

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Why America Is Totally Over the Patriots

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Picture every sports movie you ever loved: “Major League,” “The Little Giants,” “Rudy,” “Hoosiers,” and “Fool’s Gold” (just testing you). Now imagine if in every single one of those films, instead of the underdog making a remarkable comeback to somehow capture the unlikeliest of victories, the bully/perennial cheater wins in an epic beatdown that embarrasses everyone and their families.

And yes, I did just describe the 2016 presidential election and most of high school, but that literally hat has been going on with the New England Patriots since the Bill Belichick (a.k.a. the Human Representation of C-SPAN) era began in 2000. If I’m being super honest, I believe Prince told us to party like it was 1999 because he knew the Belichick (a.k.a. the Hoodie Robot) was taking over the next year and it just wasn’t going to be any damn fun.

The Patriots winning all the time has become as predictable as white people asking for Sriracha in Old Navy Performance Fleeces. New England is about to make their record ninth appearance in the Super Bowl on Sunday, of which they have already won four. Belichick alone is about to take his seventh team to the big game, which is, of course, more times than he has ever smiled or experienced human touch. And if he wins, Belichick (a.k.a An Old Refrigerator with Frowning) will have the most Super Bowl wins of any coach ever.

If the NFL was a casino, the Patriots are the house. And eventually as we know, the house always wins, especially if you’ve been drinking or have a crippling gambling problem. Shout out to Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man” for having neither.

But in addition to their boring, automatic excellence, the Patriots are also known cheaters who have managed to escape almost completely scot-free. Aside from the ruse that was Deflategate, the Patriots have been accused by basically every team in the NFL of stealing plays, spying on other teams and recently, jamming the Steelers coach Mike Tomlin’s headset so he couldn’t hear play calls. And never mind last year’s scathing ESPN exposé that outlined their meticulous and nefarious cheating regime.

The results of all these sketchy actions: nothing, nada, not even an Affleck brother. But the good news is at least the Patriots are forward-thinking and progressively-minded. Just kidding. THEY LOVE TRUMP!!! Of course they do. Belichick famously wrote a letter to Trump right before election that said, “Congratulations on a tremendous campaign. You have dealt with an unbelievable slanted and negative media, and have come out beautifully — beautifully.”

I think he meant “beautifully” in this way: “Once Trump became president, American values left America, beautifully.” Patriots owner Robert Kraft has called Trump “a good friend,” and QB superstar and Uggs model Tom Brady used to have a Make America Great Hat in his locker next to his completely vegan uniform.

So this Sunday, I’ll be rooting for the Falcons, but Las Vegas released the odds and it’s 5-4 for the Patriots and remember, the house always wins. 

Here’s a NFC/AFC Title Game Preview

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Sunday, January 22

Green Bay at Atlanta, 3:05 p.m. ET, FOX

Pittsburgh at New England, 6:40 p.m. ET, CBS

After two weeks of playoff games that were about as exciting as the line at a post office in Grand Island, Nebraska, this week’s NFC/AFC title games promise to be much more thrilling. Granted, not all the divisional games were at jury duty levels of elation. The Cowboys/Packers game ended in a flourish of unpredictable drama with Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers showing again why he might be the best, and also why he gets to date Olivia Munn.

For the Steelers, the heavy drama came both during and after their victory over the Chiefs when receiver Antonio Brown secretly filmed coach Mike Tomlin calling the Patriots a******* in his postgame speech and streamed it on Facebook Live. In all fairness, Tomlin’s remarks are not shocking and pretty much reflect the way all of us feel about the Patriots, even newborn babies.

The NFC title game will be all about one thing: covering up the fact that football is arguably a deadly sport with severe consequences. OK, two things. It will be all about offense. The Falcons have the number one scoring offense (33.8 points per game) lead by QB Matt Ryan, and the Packers are no strangers to the end zone, averaging 27 points per game. Green Bay’s offense may be seriously hindered however, with most of their main wide receiver threats listed as questionable, including Jordy Nelson and Davante Adams.

Ryan and the Falcons will have the home crowd, but star wideout Julio Jones also had some questionable injury issues leading up to the title game. In the end, it’s extremely hard to bet against Aaron Rodgers, especially since that guy can basically throw a no-look Hail Mary while shooting an insurance commercial. Look for the Pack to win in a close one.

Over in the AFC game, nothing would make America happier (other than not having Trump as president, removing ads before YouTube clips or giving Steve Harvey more shows) than the Patriots losing on Sunday. The Patriots have become the evil Empire of the NFL, but unlike the “Star Wars” franchise, there has been very little “Return of the Jedi” by other teams. I keep trying to find a way that the Steelers could win this game because it’s not looking good on numbers alone, as they are 0-4 in Foxboro since 2000 and Tomlin is 1-5 against them in his tenure as coach.

The silver lining for Pittsburgh is that this is the year in sports when anything can happen: Cubs, Cavs, and Burundi got that silver medal at the summer Olympics. The game will come to do how well Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will play because between Le’Veon Bell and Brown, the Steelers have all the firepower they need. So for America’s sake, go Steelers! and not Trump!

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Comedian, actor, writer. Has written for the Onion, McSweeney's, Comedy Central, Huffington Post, Rolling Stone. Always knows where Dave Matthews is.