Picture every sports movie you ever loved: “Major League,” “The Little Giants,” “Rudy,” “Hoosiers,” and “Fool’s Gold” (just testing you). Now imagine if in every single one of those films, instead of the underdog making a remarkable comeback to somehow capture the unlikeliest of victories, the bully/perennial cheater wins in an epic beatdown that embarrasses everyone and their families.
And yes, I did just describe the 2016 presidential election and most of high school, but that literally hat has been going on with the New England Patriots since the Bill Belichick (a.k.a. the Human Representation of C-SPAN) era began in 2000. If I’m being super honest, I believe Prince told us to party like it was 1999 because he knew the Belichick (a.k.a. the Hoodie Robot) was taking over the next year and it just wasn’t going to be any damn fun.
The Patriots winning all the time has become as predictable as white people asking for Sriracha in Old Navy Performance Fleeces. New England is about to make their record ninth appearance in the Super Bowl on Sunday, of which they have already won four. Belichick alone is about to take his seventh team to the big game, which is, of course, more times than he has ever smiled or experienced human touch. And if he wins, Belichick (a.k.a An Old Refrigerator with Frowning) will have the most Super Bowl wins of any coach ever.
If the NFL was a casino, the Patriots are the house. And eventually as we know, the house always wins, especially if you’ve been drinking or have a crippling gambling problem. Shout out to Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man” for having neither.
But in addition to their boring, automatic excellence, the Patriots are also known cheaters who have managed to escape almost completely scot-free. Aside from the ruse that was Deflategate, the Patriots have been accused by basically every team in the NFL of stealing plays, spying on other teams and recently, jamming the Steelers coach Mike Tomlin’s headset so he couldn’t hear play calls. And never mind last year’s scathing ESPN exposé that outlined their meticulous and nefarious cheating regime.
The results of all these sketchy actions: nothing, nada, not even an Affleck brother. But the good news is at least the Patriots are forward-thinking and progressively-minded. Just kidding. THEY LOVE TRUMP!!! Of course they do. Belichick famously wrote a letter to Trump right before election that said, “Congratulations on a tremendous campaign. You have dealt with an unbelievable slanted and negative media, and have come out beautifully — beautifully.”
I think he meant “beautifully” in this way: “Once Trump became president, American values left America, beautifully.” Patriots owner Robert Kraft has called Trump “a good friend,” and QB superstar and Uggs model Tom Brady used to have a Make America Great Hat in his locker next to his completely vegan uniform.
So this Sunday, I’ll be rooting for the Falcons, but Las Vegas released the odds and it’s 5-4 for the Patriots and remember, the house always wins.