Oh NFL, you are just so much fun, if you have absolutely no idea what fun means. When it comes to fining players, the National Football League has developed the sense of humor of a dusty mortician by day, research librarian by night, reading the Dewey Decimal System out loud to himself as he re-watches reruns of C-SPAN. SPRING BREAK!!
The National Football League is notorious for excessively and frivolously fining players for things like cleat color, wearing the wrong headphones after games, and throwing snowballs at Green Bay fans, (ok that one was warranted but really, really funny. Thanks Terrell Owens, I miss you). But this season, the NFL has launched an epic drug cartel style take down of any player, any one doing any thing even remotely off-kilter.
In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re going to fine me for this article and the farthest I got to playing was backup high school quarterback who was really good at signaling plays and hoping that girls like guys who confidently raise their arms while wearing a hat. This Mafiosa hit job on teams, players and coaching wouldn’t be so damn frustrating if it wasn’t for this tiny, miniscule, light-hearted, insignificant fact: professional football is killing its players.
The damage done by brain disease known as CTE associated with playing professional football and caused by too many crushing blows to the head, is dramatically worse than anyone could have imagined. While its not 100 percent confirmed yet, it looks like its most recent victim was Heisman winner and all around good person, Rashaan Salaam who was 42, and found dead apparently of suicide in his car in early December.
For the league to drop the hammer on someone for spiking the ball, but completely ignore and in some cases cover up all scientific evidence about the lethal implications of playing football is like breaking up a drug bust and arresting people for their eyebrows. I’ll definitely dive more into CTE in another post but for now let’s return to the fact that the NFL is the Sopranos in a Roger Goodell mask, with more back hair.
Here are some of the most ridiculous fines of the 2016-2017 Season so far:
-Washington Redskins Josh Norman fined for $10,000 for making a bow and arrow gesture, maybe he was made he didn’t land the role in “Hunger Games” as Katniss.
-Carolina’s Trai Turner fined $9,115 for jumping up and down after a touchdown. Offensive lineman should be REWARDED for any aerobic activity.
-Giants Owa Odighizuwa fined $12,154 for simulating taking a picture of his team on the after a touchdown. Is there less of a fine if he used a filter?
-Steelers Antonio Brown fined $24,00 after a pelvic thrust. Wow, NFL I guess you can NEVER go clubbing.
-Browns Terrelle Pryor fined $9,000 for celebrating like Lebron James after a touchdown. Can you just give the Browns a win?
-Tampa Bay Bucs Gerald McCoy fined $12,154 after a sack. In fairness the Bucs, have never seen a sack before.
-Carolina’s Kelvin Benjamin and Devin Funchess fined $12,154 dancing together in the end zone. By all means NFL, the last thing you should be encouraging is teamwork. Let it go, you know one of them is going to end up on “Dancing With the Stars” anyways.
-Redskins Vernon Davis fined $12,154 for shooting the ball through the goal posts after a score. Now that he’s President, look for Trump to take credit for the fine and also the money.
-Giants coach Ben McAdoo fined $50,000 for using a walkie-talkie for five plays against the Cowboys. From now on the team promises to communicate using roadside flares and a game of telephone.
Dear NFL, maybe get a girlfriend, go outside, take up an Etsy store, because this is lunacy and sooner or later you are going to get found out. #nofilter.