WASHINGTON — In a stunning move for a president noted for never backing down from a fight, President Donald J. Trump early Saturday morning tendered his resignation from the presidency.
The letter, addressed to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and written with a black Sharpie marker in Mr. Trump’s characteristic large slashing print, read as follows:
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I hereby resign the very boring office of President of the United States effective tomorrow at noon. This job is annoying and tedious and I don’t like it. The White House is a stupid place and my staff is over it. No one has even found the light switch for the Oval Office yet and Steve Bannon finally just showed up in a bathrobe and boat shoes this morning. Also, models never visit the White House, almost nothing here is painted gold, and I was sick of Lincoln’s ghost crying and bitching all night on January 21. He’s why Melania won’t even bother with this rat trap. I asked Mike Pence about an exorcist but he just changed the subject.
This is all a bad deal and it’s time to walk away from the table.
So I’m out and so is everyone else. I decided to just cut my entire administration’s losses completely and give this thing over to the popular vote winner, Hillary Clinton. Screw that line of succession B.S., she and Bill put up with this stupid place for eight years, they can have it.
See you at Mar-a-Lago, Rex!
Donald J. Trump
Reached for comment in his West Wing office, Assistant to the President Steve Bannon said, “Are you the guy Paulo said was bringing the stuff?” before attempting to hang up the phone and apparently dropping it. Reporters could hear Mariachi music in the background.
In a statement, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said, “Oh my God, it’s like Christmas, my blood pressure dropped 20 points in 15 minutes. I’m going to Barbados, losers. So many nude beaches, so little time.”
Press Secretary Sean Spicer was informed of the President’s resignation after it was tendered. Reached for comment at his office, he screamed wordlessly then proceeded to shovel small squares of gum in his mouth.
Reached for comment while walking a woodland trail in upstate New York, former Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton reportedly said, “What? Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about?”
Members of the media said she then laughed hysterically for more than five minutes before telling her husband, former president Bill Clinton, that they needed to return to the “Northern White House” in Chappaqua, N.Y.
Reports from Capitol Hill indicated the largest impromptu “bipartisan blowout party” in the history of Congress was taking place at an undisclosed location.
At press time, Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin had yet to respond to Storia’s requests for comment.
In other news, Happy April First.
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