Honest New Year's Resolutions

Guys, the jig is up and I’m not talking about grown adults who wear Crocs. Every year, millions of people write out a list of New Year’s resolutions and absolutely PROMISE themselves that this is the year that they will finally keep them. But much like a two- state solution in the Middle East and Johnny Depp’s haircut, New Year’s resolutions look great on paper, but are much harder to actually do in real life.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for goal setting, mantras and vision boards. The first thing that I see when I wake up in the morning are the words, “DON’T BLOW THIS” painted on my face. There has been scientific evidence backing up the validity of goal setting and visualization to help propel your wildest dreams into fruition. But I think the disconnect happens on December 31, when we overcompensate for the past year of some pretty careless decision-making by incorporating a list of resolutions that even Tony Robbins would be like, “Slow down bro, just get a haircut.”

So I thought instead of writing a list of reasonably attainable resolutions, I’d be more wise to lay out some very honest New Year’s goals to take the pressure off everyone!

1) Sign up for a gym membership for six days, quit, then join Hulu instead.

2) Quit smoking cigarettes by switching to Vape pens, lose ten friends.

3) Save money on birthday and Christmas presents now that you have ten less friends.

4) Research and study a new fad diet, try it out for a few days, “Oh hey look, donuts!”

5) Vow to spend more time with your family at home by always being home when they are not.

6) Have a sober January followed by a blackout February-December.

7) Volunteer at wonderful nonprofits like Big Brother, Big Sister, Habitat for Humanity or Ronald McDonald House. Quit after you realize that everyone in the charities has a better life than you.

8) Put at least three new trips on the books to majestic and exotic places you have never been. In every single one of those cities, go to Starbucks.

9) Begin learning a new skill like a foreign language. Quit the language after you learn all the swear words.

10) Finally start to enjoy life until Cathy doesn’t respond to your “‘Happy New Year’s!”’ text even though it was an innocuous, friendly text that had nothing to do with the fact that she’s your ex and who cares that she’s seeing Brad now because of course she is, it was always about the money with her, which of course she gets from her father who is an investment banker for Goldman Sachs. Must be weird having parents that are THE DEVIL!!!

Happy New Year!! 

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