If the picture of Donald Trump’s cabinet picks so far were a Magic Eye photo, from a distance, you’d see a collection of what looks like a series of Monopoly men and women, fresh off their sixth dolphin hunting and blood diamond mimosa excursion, where they took turns discussing the best ways to liquefy gold into hair gel, how to club baby flamingos and why Darth Vader made a lot of good points.
But like any intriguing Magic Eye, if you squint just the right way and look a little closer, you’d also see an entirely different image: the Founding Fathers crying. And that’s not because they’re listening to the “Hamilton” soundtrack.
President Trump’s cabinet picks are as laughably insane as his candidacy/ presidency/current state of political affairs. So much so that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to determine what is and isn’t fake news. For example “Donald Trump Nominates Secretary of Labor Dog the Bounty Hunter.” That is NOT a real headline but it COULD BE and people would be totally cool with it for some reason.
So here’s a list of the highlights of Trump’s cabinet so far. FULL DISCLAIMER: you might need to read this with an oxygen mask, narcotics and an international passport.
SECRETARY OF STATE
Rex Tillerson-What’s not to like about this guy other than the fact that he has ties to Russia and is the CEO of an oil company!! Who needs a diplomat when it looks like our new foreign policy is just going to be oil spills.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
James Mattis-The former Marine general famously said, “be polite be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.” Wow, the first member of the Trump administration to have a plan.
SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY
Steven Mnuchin-This guy looks like his definition of a good time is stealing from Make-A-Wish kids. Mnuchin worked for Goldman Sachs for 17 years and OneWest Bank, where he was criticized for an excessive amount of foreclosures. Someone let this guy be in charge of ALL THE MONEY!!
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
Jeff Sessions-When he was a Senator from Alabama, Sessions said, “No one coming from the Dominican Republic to the United States is coming here because they have a provable skill that would benefit us.” He also was denied a position as a judge because of his previous comments about African-Americans. So look for a justice under Attorney General Sessions to be blind…to white people.
SECRETARY OF ENERGY
Rick Perry-The Trump presidency can almost entirely be summed up in the irony of Rick Perry being in charge of energy even though Perry himself once couldn’t remember the name of the cabinet position that he also vowed to destroy. Nominating Rick Perry as Energy Secretary is like putting fire in charge of housing.
SECRETARY OF HOUSING URBAN DEVELOPMENT
Ben Carson-Speaking of housing, here’s the good doctor’s internal dialogue of his plans for HUD for the next four years,“zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. How was I allowed to work on brains?”
SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION
Elaine Chao-You know Trump has set the lowest standard for a cabinet ever, when you breathe a sigh of relief for someone from the George W. Bush administration. Also, congrats to Chao for being one of the two women selected to his cabinet so far. Don’t worry, I’m sure Trump is trying to figure out a way to pay them less.
Mike Pence-the guy who looks like every guy in the hot tub in a Cialis commercial. Pence is so conservative, that even Mike Huckabee is like “Chill out bro, I’m playing the bass.”