6. A hungry shapeshifter from Blob escaped from the high security prison on Sirius B

Finally, everyone returned to find that the Great Hall of Aarggggh Prime was once again restored to its pristine perfection, Professor Kknee’s eyes once again were turning in the direction or directions of his choice, and the various dignitaries were ready to finally hear the somber and sobering tale of universe destruction. They were not disappointed. 

Plus, the Aarggggh were serving snacks which served to free up seating and improve moods.

Professor Kknee once again plopped up to the podium, launching back into the troubled tale of the adjoining ex-universe, now unencumbered by the Keepers, save for the one that had seemingly returned and no longer remembered anything that had happened before except that one his arms was no longer attached to his body. He seemed unconcerned so Professor Kknee ignored him. 

Apparently, a vile, murderous, and hungry shapeshifter from Blob was being held at the high security #prison facility on Sirius B when he made a crafty and extremely daring #escape, killing sixty-nine Keeper guards (according the scrupulous record-keeping Keepers who had a hard time writing up the reports) and making his way to a small planet populated by stupid, non-space faring humanoids.

Professor Kknee slobbered, growing more and more excited as he relayed the information he’d gathered. He used one of his honor cords to wipe the excess drool off the podium and with a click, a flash and a huge release of noxious scent, he explained further how exactly this crafty and extremely daring escape came about, though it was troubling that the exact degree of daringness was still not exactly clear. 

 At any rate, a series of exceedingly odd and random occurrences must have happened all at the exact same instant in order for the shapeshifter to make his miraculous escape. The cell door popped opened.  

One of the Keepers heated up his lunch using an over-powered quasar-wave food heater which was unfortunately not wired to spec and therefore was a #supernova hazard. And on universe X’s would-be Aarggggh Prime, the indigenous bi-pedal humanoids just happened to be testing at that very same instant something called a #LargeHadronCollider, a strange device mainly used to burn up the planet’s excess carbon stores. 

Professor Kknee chuckled, clicked and tooted, very amused at that bit of irony.

Footnotes to this moment

The Keepers of Sirius A and B are the most experienced prison keepers in the universe. The high security prison on Sirius B, a very hot white dwarf orbiting Sirius A (the brightest star in the night sky of Aarggggh Prime) is famous the universe over. The keepers only occasionally lose, or misplace temporarily, #prisoners. Unfortunately, most of the prisoners are misplaced inside the star and are never recovered. For more information, see the University Library under Capital Punishment, Supernova Accretion, and Failed Prison Escapes.

In fact, Professor Kknee’s species, the Polyps, are often plagued by this condition which is thought to be caused by a lack of sufficient roughage.    

Keepers are hermaphrodorphic, and prefer to mate via mail service or messenger. This is actually beneficial to the species since they are unable to finish any task they begin.

Eyewitness accounts vary accordingly since the only witnesses happen to be Keepers and they remember very little about what actually happened. There is some conjecture that the Keeper in charge of the shapeshifter’s cell actually forgot to lock it. Shapeshifters don’t actually have individual names, per se, but instead like to assume the name of the object or organism they are mimicking. No one knows what a shapeshifter actually looks like when it is not “shifting.” They absorb the thoughts and memories of anything they eat as well as its mass, energy and prejudices. However, they are always hungry and their appetites are said to rival the Aarggggh though they refuse to eat anything more intelligent than themselves. As a consequence, they are the most dangerous species in the universe. 

As previously mentioned, this small planet would have been universe X’s Aarggggh Prime if the Aarggggh in Universe X had not been wiped out by a comet or #asteroid. Instead, it is known as earth by its rather dim, unimaginative population. They still have not achieved F.T.L. drives nor have they managed to make first contact. They rate an F on the Kopler-Dane species intelligence scale.  

Note, this “daring” accolade refers to the shifter’s miraculous escape from the Keepers’ care and the star Sirius B, since suspicion has been cast upon the locking of the actual cell in question. The Keepers, of course, deny this and will appear in this Hall alongside their real universe counterparts to defend their good name and their role in destroying an entire universe. (Note, due to unforeseen circumstances, all the Keepers that survived from universe X were escorted from the Hall by security and only one actually survived to speak in his own defense). 

After some research, it was determined that the device was theoretically intended to be a particle accelerator or some kind of rudimentary black hole generator. Though it will never be able to actually create a #blackhole or break through to the fifth #dimension, the device does generate a great deal of power, primarily by using a great deal of the dwindling #fossilfuels stored on the planet.

(Kknee)

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