Get high and... um ...what?

Topaz ?
Author Topaz ?

Most large businesses in the United States now test their employees for recreational drug use. While this is illegal in most of the rest of the world, in America it provides a wonderful window through which to escape the bonds of modern corporate drudgery. Because you don't even have to do any drugs to fail one of these tests. 

The truth is that most of the commonly-administered employee drug tests are very susceptible to false-positive results. These erroneous results can be brought on by using over-the-counter cold remedies, which will flag you for amphetamine use, Vitamin B tablets, which will flag you for marijuana use, ibuprofen, which will flag you for barbiturate and benzodiazepine use, and poppy seeds or tonic water, either of which will flag you for opiates. 

By keeping a small supply of these four handy substances at your desk or in your locker, you can help ensure that when your next random test occurs, you'll raise enough flags for your employer to begin the termination process. Then, when they claim that you are being fired for cause, you can show the Unemployment board that you were not on drugs, and are the victim of a simple misunderstanding.  

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