In the beginning (6,000 years ago) , there was nothing but Kermit the Frog and Laura the Marine Iguana. Kermit and Laura, being capable of spontaneous creation, built a vast palace in an alternate dimension. It was called Wifflecrest Manor. In honor of their achievement, they decided to marry. They created Paula the Koala to be their friend. All was going well, until Paula seduced Kermit. Outraged and heartbroken, Laura built the entire universe and decided to create one perfect planet, called Earth, to hide on. There she created a master race of marine iguanas to serve her, and hundreds of thousands of different species. Kermit the Frog wandered for ten thousand years, finally finding his bride. He tried to apologize, but Laura was so angry that she dissolved into the hive mind of her marine iguanas race. All marine iguanas make up a single small part of the vast consciousness of Laura, the Marine Iguana of the Sky. Meanwhile, to keep himself company, he made humans intelligent and sentient. He then punished Paula the Koala, banishing her to Guatemala. But she raised an army of evil humans, and so the great Battle of Guatemala ensued. She was defeated, and banished to a divine prison in Walla Walla, where she makes humanity sin by making them feel basic emotions, like pride, envy, and attraction. Meanwhile, every year, Kermit the Frog descends from the sky in his great flaming chariot and lands in the Galapagos, where he makes concubines of the eligible iguana females and takes them to his palace, where he lives with his many wives and many children, and where he tortures Charles Darwin for proposing the theory of evolution and for saying the marine iguanas is a dull and ugly creature.
Kermit's Catechism, Part One
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