When You Might Have Cancer

I’m in my last minutes of Before. At least, I might be. Knowing that I might be is enough right now to feel the weight of it. I’m listening to my babies run and fight and ask for popsicles before 9 AM. They’re so gorgeous I could spit.

We went to bed silently last night, Resurrection Sunday. We didn’t talk about today, he didn’t ask my thoughts or my feelings, and I didn’t ask him. It broke my heart a bit, the fear of continuing on this way, if today changes everything.

I’m scared of what #cancer does, of the power it has gained over generations. We put on a good front, our society takes to #battle at every turn. I don’t feel #battle ready. I feel scared. I feel zeroed in, not on #beatingit, but on making sure my family is okay if I don’t. I feel like I’m getting ready to die before I even know if it’s there, in my blood destroying my marrow. 

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