Daddy's love

Since I can remember through out of my childhood I had a nightmare which repeated itself every night. This was the reason why I always slept completely covered under my blanket. I felt tiny bit safer hidden under my blanket. Every night I want sleep with fear that my nightmare will come back. It always did. My nightmare was a monster which looked like a long half of the carrot . It crawled over me and touched me everywhere. This monster kept taking my blanket off me and touching me under my pyjamas. The monster was very real and I was petrified of it. Now fast forward , I am 36 and I don’t have my nightmare any more. Recently I was visiting my mum and my sister. My mum told me that my sister went through regressive therapy and she had the memories of our father sexually abusing us, hence my nightmare. When my mum told me this I immediately managed to connect the dots in my mind. I too have specific memories about our dad but I was in denial and always though that our dad would never do such a horrific thing. The truth is he did and I can finally understand why my nightmare kept coming back every night for so long. Since I was a little girl I was sexually abused and suffered regular violent assaults from my dad till I was 18. I had severe depression throughout my teenage years with numerous suicide attempts and regular self harming. When I met my future husband I went from the fire to the frying pan. He was controlling, extremely abusive physical, emotional. For next 10 years he would force me to perform various extreme sexual practices and he regularly raped me. I learned to switch off and to not feel. I left when my so  was 2 years of age. When I used to lie down in my baby’s room on the bed on my side to breastfeed my baby son , my husband would come from behind and without even talking to me he raped me. After I left him,it taken me 2 years to realize that it WAS abuse. This realisation threw me to the rock  bottom. I developed opiate addiction  as whenever I used oxycontin I felt numb. For next few years I was struggling as my mental health deteriorated and I was drinking a lot too. I was referred to Psychiatric Hospital for several suicide attempts . I had complete mental and physical breakdown  a d was hospitalised,  my kidneys were shutting down. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety Disorder. And all this started with my daddy’s love  😔

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