Stop Blaming Your Farts on Your Dog—Get Help!
If you have ever expelled a toxic fart so venomous it made your eyes water, congratulations! You are a normal human. The average person passes half a liter of gas everyday. Whether your farts are loud or silent, wet or dry, smelly or odorless--it doesn't matter! You are absolutely healthy if you fart.
What isn't healthy, however, is blaming your farts on a dog. In fact, studies show that humans who constantly blame dogs for their farts may actually have an addiction problem.
According to the Gastro Center of Flatulence, blame and addiction are directly correlated, especially when passing gas. Fart addicts use blame to avoid the acknowledgment of their own faults and farts. While a simple joke towards a dog may seem harmless, the addiction of blame can infiltrate the subconscious and affect other areas of the brain.
In a recent interview with John Vapór, a 57-year-old native New Yorker who has owned dogs his entire life, the severity of the fart-blame addiction was explained.
"It started off as an innocent thing I'd do around my kids," Vapór said. "I'd fart and blame it on the dog and they'd all get upset. I was a real hoot."
Vapór fathered five children, but lost custody when his fart-blame addiction got out of control.
"Before I knew it, I was blaming my co-workers for my farts, and eventually my boss. People knew I was spreading rumors, but for some reason, I liked it. I spun out of control. I started spreading life-threatening rumors to cover up my farting."
During the interview Vapór dabbed a tissue to his moist eye, in memory of his traumatic mistakes.
"I became addicted to lying, and eventually, I said the fart smell in the office was from the collection of dead bodies that my boss feasted upon at night. That rumor spread like fire."
Vapór was investigated by the FBI and eventually fired.
"My wife took the kids and the dogs, and now I have no one to blame but myself. It's a real stinker."
If you or someone you know is addicted to fart-blame, please seek help immediately.