Rio gets a gold medal... in most boring opening ceremony ever

Queen Shade 👑🌴
Queen Shade 👑🌴

WTF, Rio? After London and Bejing, we expect the opening ceremony to be kind of like our Olympics hypeman. Instead of getting us pumped, you gave us 7th period history class… and I’m pissed about it. I need to know what you were thinking when you created this boring ass ceremony.

Rio gets a gold medal... in most boring opening ceremony ever

The longer I sat watching what I can only liken to Earth Day Disney series meets the 2016 Olympics ( Disney presents: The Birth of A Nation, Brazil Edition), the longer my “Shit I could be doing” list got. This list is infinitely better than anything that crossed my screen during the 5 hour event. Even #oily #Tonga #man couldn’t wash the level of distaste I had after being subjected this Brazil: 101 college course that I didn’t know I signed up for.

This is what I should have been doing instead of watching the Opening Olympics.

I coulda had a V8.

I should have washed my hair.

Trust me...watching natural hair is a day long commitment.  I usually just clear my schedule.

I could have watched a Donald Trump rally.

You'd have to understand my extreme dislike of Trump to fully appreciate this one.  Actually, after I've thought about it- I take it back.  I'd rather watch the Brazil documentary- I mean Rio Opening Ceremony.

I should have gotten my next dentist appointment out of the way.

I could have watched Caillou. 

His whiny ass isn’t even allowed at my house.  However, an exception could have been made.

Suffer from a "Song That Doesn't End" Earworm.

Good luck trying to get that out of your head now. Still better than Rio.

I'd rather watch paint dry.

I'd rather sit through the entire "50 Shades of Grey" movie.

And this is exactly how I feel about that movie.  So...yeah.

Get a Brazilian wax.

And don't think I didn't catch the shade you were trying to throw with the whole "The Wright Brothers weren't first in flight" shade.  You're gonna have to show us the receipts, Brazil.

I had to go back and watch the 2008 & 2012 Opening Ceremonies (in Beijing and London, respectively) just to remember what a TRUE Olympics opening ceremony should feel like. 

Rio, you tried it.  But, MAJOR FAIL.