Some workers like to give 2 weeks notice & leave their employer with grace. This story is not for them. Work, fired

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Sleep it off

If you are at work, you're getting paid to be there. However, if you are asleep, you aren't really there at all. You're off in the wonderful land of nod, chasing daydreams with a gossamer net. If you're asleep, you're not making money, and so

you might as well go home
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Be dour, but don't be a dick

Happiness is incredibly important in corporate culture. Being happy is the number one indication an employee provides to others that everything is O.K. and status quo. This is why employee happiness is measured as part of performance review.

Unhappy employees poison the moods of their coworkers.
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Send ALL of the emails

Email is an important modern business tool, one that is employed in many different jobs. While it is great for spontaneous communication, it can become a real time waster for employees who give too much concern to their dribble of incoming email. By turning that dribble into a torrent, and the torrent into a flood,

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Get high and... um ...what?

Most large businesses in the United States now test their employees for recreational drug use. While this is illegal in most of the rest of the world, in America it provides a wonderful window through which to escape the bonds of modern corporate drudgery.

Because you don't even have to do any drugs to fail one of these tests. 
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